Bipolar or something like it...

A former S.L.C. Punk, baptised and converted to a N.Y.C. Punk.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Vote for me


Dear Jerkface,

As this week has progressed, things have become clearer and clearer to me. I think I have finally figured out what is wrong with this country, besides the president. It's the five day work week. It's just too damn long. By the end of the week, I'm so worn out and tired, that I can hardly motivate myself to get excited for the weekend, so I have come up with a plan to change this. I will be running for office. I know I don't have much political experience, but I think that I have a really good platform. I propose we increase the weekend by one day, because two is just not cuttin' it. I mean, I don't really even think Sunday counts, because the whole day I am thinking about how I have to go back to work the next day. How can I rest when I have that weighing on my mind. Oh, yeah, and I think we should legalize marijuana too.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Single white female seeking man who will become successful right after we break up


Dear Jerkface (and no, I don't mean you J.J.)
Last night as I was running around the reservoir at Central Park, I began to reminisce over the past romantic relationships that I have had in my life. Each one different and good in its own way, but all having one thing in common. It seems that the pattern is, I meet someone, they are somewhat a slacker with potential, as our relationship progresses, they get their shit together, by the time the relationship has run it's course they are on the verge of great things. End scene, we break up, afterward they become very successful, and I am no longer around to reap the benefits. WTF, I date them while they are poor and struggling, and as soon as we stop dating, and they finally have some stability and the means to treat a girl very nicely, i'm no longer their girl! I must like shitty, cheap guys. Successful ones just don't do it for me.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Wanted...some big guy, or something


Dearest Jerkface,

I was speaking with my friend last night on the phone, and telling him how I had just finished a long, crazy day at work, and how all of this drama had been created by "some big guy, or something" who had resigned that day. Anyway, he told me that I should apply for the now vacant position. After thinking it over, I have decided that I am the perfect candidate. Tomorrow, I will go into Human Resources, and tell them why I am the person to fit the bill. Here is a small list of some of the bullet points that make me the perfect candidate for this job.
  • I am really good at accepting large sums of money
  • I can be a total ass if prompted, or even if I just feel like it
  • I don't have an aversion to expensive wool suits, and not only that, they look real good on me too
  • I need sun every day to help me feel good, so a corner office with lots of windows would suit me just fine
  • I am not afraid of heights, so I have no problem being in an office on the top floor of a high rise
  • I hate the subway, so taking a car to and from work wouldn't bother me
  • Did I mention that I wouldn't mind making ungodly amounts of money
  • Schmoozing over expensive meals and drinks is okay, I guess I really wouldn't mind, and I do it anyway, so if the company can foot the bill, even better.

I could go on and on, and seeing that my qualifications are rather extensive, I am sure that they will hire me. Get ready for the Hamptons, Jerkface, because every big guy has a house in the Hamptons, and I'm sure that i'll have to do that too.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

To J.J.


Yo Jerkface,
Check out what Carmine Gotti sent me. He's so cool.

Friday, April 21, 2006

WTF


Dear Jerkface,
An observation; yesterday as i walked home from work, taking in the nice day, I noticed a disturbing trend, people wearing the lamest clothes. It seems that when it gets hot/warm in NY, people take that as the green light to pull out their fugliest outfit and parade it around town. The first thing that caught my eye was some nasty looking chick who very much resembled Olive Oyl wearing a see-through white shapeless dress with tiny red polka dots on it, and a huge elastic belt around her waste. Maybe it wasn't the outfit, so much as the hairstyle she was sporting...a freaking bowl cut. The next nasty getup I saw observed was a mom and daughter duo, wearing matching terry suits, cropped paints no less, both overweight, and looking ridiculous. Then I see this Italian stallion wearing capri pants (way too tight, you could see the whole package) and white pointy toe Guido shoes...I mean, you've got to be kidding me. What guy wears capri's? Please tell me you don't. Last but not least, the 200 lbs black woman wearing the see-through lace shirt, with nothing but a sparkly bra underneath, mmmm hot. WTF! is all I have to say.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

In honor of tight pants week


What is it with girls in New York and tight pants. I swear, i have never seen so many chicks try to squeeze themsleves into kid size jeans. It's not hot. Stop it.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Plugs, the new way to score a wife


Dear Jerkface-
I was in my bosses office yesterday looking for a file. So I was rumaging around on his desk and I found a stack of papers that looked like what I was looking for, the reason they looked like the papers I was looking for was because there was a seal on one of the pages that looked like the bank seal of one of the banks we work with. I proceeded to stacked the papers in order and started looking at them. I noticed one page was a print out of an email conversation, I thought "what is this doing with my papers?" and I couldn't help but read through the email. It was forwarded to Matt (my boss) from his Mom. It was a corospondence between her and a hair replacement Doctor. Appearantly she is going to pay for Matt to get plugs. He is pretty thin on top. Since he is twenty-seven and not married I guess his mom thinks he has a better shot at it if he had hair. The rest of the pages in the stack were articles about the doctors creditentials. I feel pretty bad for Matt, how bad would it suck to have your Mom doing things like that for you? "Well if you weren't so bald girls would probably like you more..." Of course I'm sure your used to the idea "Jerkface, if you weren't such a whore maybe girls would take you a little more seriously."

Friday, April 07, 2006

Hippy Olympics Part 2



Dear Jerkface,
I have been in brainstorming with my colleagues and over the past few days, and many hallucinations later, we have come up with some additional sports to add to our Hippy Olympics. One thing that all of us has participated in and greatly love is drum circles or if you will "peace circles." The criteria will be simple, each team will be alloted 4 minutes of freestyle time and the one that sounds the best wins, easy as that. Then we can unite all the drum circles as one and create a beautiful peace statement. What do you think?
Right after opening ceremonies, we'll initiatate the games with competitive bong making. We will give all the participants a bag of randomly selected items, and whoever comes up with the most effective bong wins! Of course we'll have to test them all, but that will just encourage the spirit that we're trying to bring to these games.
I would also like to add in some competitive devil sticking, no pun intended. Imagine the trickery that will emerge from all of our friends creative minds!
So we need to get going on all the preparation. There is a great need for a gathering of love and peace right now. In this time of hate and war, we all need to join together and love one another. So get back to me you asshole, there is a lot of fucking planning you need to do. I've already pictured the crowds in my hallucinations.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Hippies like sports too

Hey Jerkface,
I seriously have no idea what your last email was about. Are you on crack? Plus, I haven't told anyone about my new business yet, so how did you even know about it?

Basically, my new business is the Hippie Olympics. It will include all the things Hippies do that require some skill and practice, but level a normal person scratching their head as to why anyone would do it.



Some of the "sports" in the inaugural Hippie Olympics are:
Slack Lining
In this sport stupid smelly hippies like this guy walk across a tight rope. The participant either has to be bare foot or wearing chaco sandals to compete. Since this is the Hippie Olympics there are no winners or losers, everyone shares in the fun!




Hacky Sack
This is one of the few "team sports" the Hippie Olympics has. The idea of team is foreign to the hippie, so some hippies were resistant to admitting hackey sack as a "sport" but they soon realized hippie ideals such as "sharing" and "can play in chacos" were central to hackey sack so they embraced their smelly brothers of the sack as true "Hippie Olympians"

Hackey Sack is a game were a team of hippies stands around in a circle and kicks a little bag (or sack) of beans back and forth to each other. They try and keep the hackey from hitting the ground. They also try and do "cool tricks" to kick the sack.

There are many more sports, these are just a few. If you play your cards right I will tell you about more of them latter.