Bipolar or something like it...

A former S.L.C. Punk, baptised and converted to a N.Y.C. Punk.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Douchebag

Dear Jerkface,
America is so lame. They really voted for that douchebag Taylor shmicks? I mean, are they serious. You can't tell me that they really like this lamo loser. He shimmies and shakes like a wannabe Elvis Presley, but ends up looking like a freak with tourettes. Not that Katherine Mcfeever, or whatever the fuck the media's lame ass nicknamed her is much better, but COME ON. Just looking at his stupid face makes me want to bitch slap him. Especially when he does the retarded fist pump while simultaneously chanting "soul patrol, soul patrol, soul patrol". Does it get any douchbaggier? I don't think so.

Why doesn't America concentrate on more important things, like how cool Steve Nash is. Suns beat the Mavs last night, and that's so much more significant than watching some gray-haired assbag gyrate his dumb shlumpy body across AI's self indulgent stage. Go Sun's.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Must...Drink.....Water.....

Dear Jerkface,
Last weekend was very interesting. It opened my eyes to a few things. First and foremost, it is not wise to drink three shots of Berry's 99. Especially after one has consumed an entire bottle of Reisling. Really, I'm not lying here, just thinking about it is making me nauseous.

I have not thrown up due to drinking in ages, and at age 25, I am ashamed to say that I spent last Thursday at The Roots concert, at Radio City Music Hall, yakking my brains out on to the ground underneath my chair. Yes, I know, it's a beautiful thing to picture. Anyway, during this less than glamorous moment in my life, I realized that I need to reign it in a bit.

To make things even more unhealthy, I ended up getting very little sleep and having to sit through work the next day with the hangover that trumps all hangovers, and feeling like I would rather gouge my eyeballs out with a #2 pencil, than stare at my computer for 9 hours. Continuing on with the weekend of debauchery, I went out that night and entertained a guest that was visiting for the weekend. With alcohol saturated livers, we made our way from bar to bar, becoming so incoherent that we were actually denied entrance to 3 places. I mean, come on! Are you serious???? Yeah, and sleep that night, hmmm, not much.

Next day, took a train out to New Haven, CT to work on an album, and ended up eating Wendy's, twice (notice the feather that came with the nugget), and pizza, and macaroni and cheese, and chocolate coffee cake...mmmm my healthiness astounds me. In addition to the balanced diet, I also consumed my fair share of cheap wine, and a little green plant, oh and the ubiquitous pack of cigarettes that comes along with being a musician, working in a dark studio for 8 straight hours.

Back to me discovering something, or coming to a realization...I am fucking crazy. If I don't chillax it with all the substance abuse, I am going to run myself ragged, but hey, your only 25 once, living in NYC, what's a little more partying going to hurt?

Thursday, May 18, 2006

One day you'll understand...


Dear Women of Manhattan
I didn't want to have to do it, but it has come to this...I can't handle it any longer, and you know that you were asking for it. I've told you before, but you did not listen, and maybe now if you see it the way I see it, you will change your mind. Okay, so here it is. Please, for the love of humanity, I beg you, stop wearing those damn skinny jeans. Look, I know they're trendy, and I know they're selling them at H&M, and Urban, but for fuck sake, it doesn't mean you have to buy them. Spend your money on a nice pair of Levi's that actually make you look proportionate. I am not saying that your fat, or anything like that, because heaven knows that I have my fair share of back. Hell, I would be scared if I had to view my ass in those pants. That's why I don't, and that's why you shouldn't either. It's just not right. Fuck, please stop, your killing me.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Bring on the scrabble


Dear Jerkface,
I'm getting old and it blows. Over the past year I have come to a realization that I have to limit my partying ways if I want to remain a functioning member of society. Lately I have saved up all my party juice for the weekend, and gone balls out bananas on Friday night. Unfortunately, this has left me unable to move the following day, therefore impeding my desire to do a damn thing. Back in the good old days, of living in a sorority house and not getting more than 4 hours of sleep a night, I could go all weekend and then some. No more my friends. The past two Saturdays I have fallen asleep before 10 pm. I am fucking pathetic. I might as well put on the depends now, and call it a night after Wheel of Fortune is over. So sad.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Nice mom crotch









Dear Jerkface
I am not one to tell people what to do. I mean you know my motto "I don't care, feels good," but I have to put my foot down when it comes to this issue. Why in the hell do people (mainly stupid girls) think that it looks good to wear those dumb ass skinny jeans. I mean, i know it's trendy and cool and all, but just because it's in style does not mean that any old shmuck should put them on them. I mean for hells sake, models don't even look good in these pants, let alone schlubby wannabe fashionistas from L.I.. Please, for the love of humanity and all that is sacred, stop it with those fucking skinny jeans. It makes you look like you have chicken wings for legs. In addition, it makes your butt look like a freaking mom butt, and who likes that, mom ass is not something to strive for.

Monday, May 08, 2006

I HEART MONDAY


Dear Jerkface-
How was your weekend? Mine went entirely too fast. I had one of those moments last night where I questioned why on earth I do what I do and why on earth I do it out in this town far away from everybody that is dear to me. It's strange how that feeling can creep up on you. One second it's Sunday afternoon and you're just enjoying the quiet of the day, and the next thing you know your on a verge of a mental meltdown. What can I say? Sometimes I think it could be that missing spiritual aspect of my life, but sometimes I don't. I guess I just want to feel meaningful. At times it seems that all I am doing is making sure that I can pay rent each month. Although, it could be worse, at least I don't look like you.

Friday, May 05, 2006

On a more serious note...


Dear Jerkface,
I usually refrain from writing about anything remotely serious or having to do with myself, but for some reason I guess I felt like breaking from my normal style.

The other night, I went out with a really cool person, who I had quite a bit in common with. We discussed reasons why we had ended up in New York and blah, blah, blah. We both came from a strong religious upbringing, and felt a need to escape it, hence the move to NYC. As I was walking home in the rain, I thought more and more about why I came out here, and why I have decided to stay here despite strong disapproval from friends and family. Although there are so many things about New York that can suck it as far as I'm am concerned, the one underlying thing that makes this place so great to me, is how you can be who you are, and do whatever the fuck you want, and the majority of people will not even bat an eye at you. It's liberating.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

One Flew Over the...



Hello Jerkface,
I miss you! I feel as though we haven't spoke in ages, even though we emailed a couple days ago. What is going on? How is the weather treatin you out there? Things have been relatively nice out here. In fact, I have been up to the park the past two nights for some cool ace rollerblading! Yeah, I know, I'm pretty dang smooth. Anyway, I thought that I would report to you about the interesting thing that I saw the other night. We decided that we would rollerblade around the park, and then from there go across 66th Street to Lincoln Center where crazy-go-nuts David Blaine is floating around in a fishbowl. Now, I am sure you have seen this advertised on TV, but it does not compare to the ridiculousness that is the human fish-bowl. It's this massive clear bowl propped up on a stage-like platform, with David Blaine just chillin out inside. So, yeah, this guy is certifiably loony-bins, but at the same time a freakin genius. I mean, who does that? It's actually really mesmerizing, and I couldn't take my eyes off. The way the bowl is situated, and the magnification of the glass, makes it look like he's about 10 foot plus. Anyway, I just wanted to say Holla, and David Blaine is still crazy.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

No sleep for the living


Dear Jerkface,

I have come up with a brilliant idea. You know how you were telling me about how tired you were, and that you were acting like a zombie at work? Well, I have been experiencing similar problems. For some reason, even though I have been getting a reasonable amount of sleep at night, i just cannot keep my eyes open during the day. I mean, looking at resumes all day is so glamorous an all, how could anybody get tired doing that? I'm sure it has nothing to do with my surroundings, seeing that I sit in a gorgeous tan cubicle all day. I just don't know what the hell is going on. Anyway, I came up with a couple of ideas, and wanted to run them by you. I used to have this friend when I was little who slept with her eyes open, back then, I thought it was extremely creepy, and hated having sleepovers with her, oh yeah, and she smelled strange too...but now that I think about it, what a handy skill to have. If I could just train myself to sleep with my eyes open, I wouldn't have to worry about someone seeing me nod off. Instead, I would just look as though I was staring at the computer screen in a daze, which is what I look like anyway. Genius, I know. Also, I found these really cool glasses, and they come in a male version too. I've been needing some glasses, so it's not as though it would be suspicious if I started wearing these.