Bipolar or something like it...

So....

2006-07-05T14:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Jerkface,
Long time no talk. Yeah, I know, I suck. Anyway, just wanted to update you on the latest
-4th of July was rather uneventful. You know, the usual...drink beer and watch shitty fireworks
-The album is coming along very nicely, and a small label has shown some interest. We'll see.
-My rent is going up 13%. Fuck New York Real Estate.
-I am now officially addicted to nicotine...fuck!
-I'm going home tomorrow to sit on a boat and roast my white ass skin in the sun, fuck yeah.

DOES THE DRESS CODE PERMIT SUNGLASSES?

2006-06-23T07:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Jerkface,
You know when you're in a really uncomfortable social setting, such as a company party, so you drink to try to ease some of that awkward discomfort, and then you drink more, because you still feel strange, and then all of the sudden is 2:30 in the morning and you are dancing with some Indian guy who has greased back hair, and then you end up hanging out with the nerdy summer associate outside, smoking incessantly because you're drunk as hell, and then all the sudden you wake up and it's time to go to work, and you're still drunk, but it's not a good drunk, it's the kind that makes the room spin, and standing upright in the shower a difficult feat, and then you get to work, and you find yourself grooving to the sound of some guys shitty R&B music blasting from his earphones on the elevator, and then you're sitting at your desk and you want to end it all because you realize that you're so hungover and you still have 9 hours of work ahead of you....yep, it's pretty sweet.

WHAT'S YOUR HANDICAP?

2006-06-22T07:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Jerkface,
Tonight I have the honor of attending a work party for our outgoing interns. Yippy Skippy! I cannot wait. The excitement is overwhelming. I can see it right now. I will attempt to converse with multiple socially inept bankers. Conversation going something like this;

Krissi "Have any fun plans for the weekend?"

Banker "Yeah, going to go play 18 holes up at the Hampton Hills Golf & Country Club"

Krissi "Oh, sounds like fun"

Banker "Yep"

Krissi "Yeah"

Banker "......"

Krissi " So...."

Oh, geez, ! I love these things. Free drinks and douche bags galore.

Ah, summer...

2006-06-20T09:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Jerkface,

I just love summer in the

city!

PREACHER'S DAUGHTER

2006-06-16T09:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Jerkface,
Growing up as a preachers daughter was always an interesting thing. I knew that it had an affect on my behavior back then, but I have now come to the realization and understanding that it has, and probably will continue effect the way I function in everyday life. Back then, my natural tendency was to rebel against any form of authority, I find that although I am no longer under the rule of my father, I still thrive off the feeling I get when I am breaking rules. For instance,

- As I struggle to fall asleep at night, it helps to imagine myself under my desk, or face down on my keyboard, risking my job and livelihood to catch a few Z's. Yes, I know this is beyond effed up, but hey, what are you gonna do?

- I don't really like to smoke, but on the weekend, I do, because I know I am risking my health, and pissing my friends off who hate to smell like smoke....tee hee hee.

- Although I know it is hell on my liver, and the risk of ending up kissing some assbag dude is great, I enjoy getting drunk off my ass every now and then, simply because it is stupid and unnecessary.

- My favorite type of sex is when there is a risk involved...like staying in the same hotel room as your friends and trying to get away with some freaky freaky without them hearing. Hmmm, come to think about it, dirty sex is even better because it involves doing things that would not be thought of as proper or right by the standards of my upbringing. Come to think of it, any and all sex is great, because doing it outside the bonds of marriage... no way....not allowed people!

In summary, once a rebel always a rebel, and I'm cool.
* Pictures may be disturbing, they are a joke people.

HAPPY FLAG DAY

2006-06-14T07:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Jerkface,
You know what today is? Yep, that's right, it's Flag Day. Woohoo! In honor of my home state flag, I have decided to behave in a way that would make the founding fathers of Utah proud. I'll forego coffee, cigarettes, sex, alcohol, cursing, and maybe I'll even take me a couple of husbands....

...On the other hand, maybe I'll just honor the American flag, and cherish the freedom of being free to do whatever the hell I want. You know the motto, "I don't care, feels good."

GOLDEN

2006-06-13T06:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Jerkface,
I think that they should make sleeping a competitive sport. If they did, I would be the Michael Jordon of it.

Make it stop

2006-06-08T09:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Jerkface,
Here are some of my random thoughts for the day.
-I hate the rain, it blows, and I think that if it continues to rain everyday, I just might do something drastic. Yes, you know what I'm talking about... I just might have to go home and visit my parents. At least I would escape this ridiculous weather. Go Utah!
-Why is it that guys from the past insist on making a comeback every time you finally forget about them?
-I went to college in order to avoid doing shitty things, and now I do shitty things, but get paid a little more. Yeehaw.

Yes NYC, it really has come to this

2006-06-05T07:35:00.000-07:00

Dearest Jerkface,

It has been made very apparent to me that New Yorkers love there damn dogs. The dogs are taking over the freaking city. You see them everywhere you go. Everyday I dodge the yellow streams of urine that run down the sidewalks, and try to avoid kicking the freshly coiffed yorkies that strut their slutty asses down the street, owner in tow. Daily, I see women carrying around some type of little bitch in the latest Louis Vuitton dog tote...It's a flipping geographical phenomenon. New Yorkers love their dogs....

I have come up with a theory why, and you may disagree, but I think that New Yorkers have been phasing children out of their lives, and replacing them with lame ass pooches. I mean, what better way to avoid real responsibilities? When you're too lazy to procreate, might as well get a dog. Now, I have no problem with this. In fact, I just might end up getting a dog myself, but for the love of all that is holy, please do not mistake.....The dog is not a fucking baby. It is a dog, therefore it deserves to be treated as one. Do not dress it up in pink cutesy outfits and booties, and wrap it up in baby blankets...It walks. It is not the princess Cleopatra, and does not need to be toted around in a gold leafed carrier . Put the bitch at the end of a leash and walk it for fuck sake. And once you start pushing your dog around in a baby stroller, like this women I saw on Lexington the other day, then maybe, just maybe, you should be the one down on your hands and knees eating out of a dog bowl, while your dog cleans up after your feces.

ELEVATOR RAGE

2006-06-01T07:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Jerkface,
I work in a gargantuan building in midtown, and unfortunately, my lovely cube is located on the 41st floor of this behemoth. Which means, I get the pleasure of riding the elevator for extended periods of time throughout the day. I have grown to not only dislike this elevator ride, but to detest it. I consider myself a fairly patient person, but lately I find myself daydreaming of taking off my high heel and beating down all of my fellow employees, who like me, take the trip on the elevator of fun everyday. Why, you may ask? Because. They are stupid, and they suck. My latest pet peeve is stopping on the second floor at the cafeteria, so the fat asses who couldn't wait to sit down for one second before getting their omelets, or bagels can pile on to the already too crowded elevator with their food in hand and not only slow my commute up to 41st floor, but actually stand there with their stupid faces crunching on granola, or sipping their fruit smoothies. For a bunch of smart people, which is an assumption I guess, they have no social concept. Who stands there shoveling food into their face in a spot no less crowded than the six train at 8:30 on a Monday morning? They do! How obnoxious can you get? Seriously, I can't take it anymore.

Douchebag

2006-05-25T07:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Jerkface,
America is so lame. They really voted for that douchebag Taylor shmicks? I mean, are they serious. You can't tell me that they really like this lamo loser. He shimmies and shakes like a wannabe Elvis Presley, but ends up looking like a freak with tourettes. Not that Katherine Mcfeever, or whatever the fuck the media's lame ass nicknamed her is much better, but COME ON. Just looking at his stupid face makes me want to bitch slap him. Especially when he does the retarded fist pump while simultaneously chanting "soul patrol, soul patrol, soul patrol". Does it get any douchbaggier? I don't think so.

Why doesn't America concentrate on more important things, like how cool Steve Nash is. Suns beat the Mavs last night, and that's so much more significant than watching some gray-haired assbag gyrate his dumb shlumpy body across AI's self indulgent stage. Go Sun's.

Must...Drink.....Water.....

2006-05-24T10:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Jerkface,
Last weekend was very interesting. It opened my eyes to a few things. First and foremost, it is not wise to drink three shots of Berry's 99. Especially after one has consumed an entire bottle of Reisling. Really, I'm not lying here, just thinking about it is making me nauseous.

I have not thrown up due to drinking in ages, and at age 25, I am ashamed to say that I spent last Thursday at The Roots concert, at Radio City Music Hall, yakking my brains out on to the ground underneath my chair. Yes, I know, it's a beautiful thing to picture. Anyway, during this less than glamorous moment in my life, I realized that I need to reign it in a bit.

To make things even more unhealthy, I ended up getting very little sleep and having to sit through work the next day with the hangover that trumps all hangovers, and feeling like I would rather gouge my eyeballs out with a #2 pencil, than stare at my computer for 9 hours. Continuing on with the weekend of debauchery, I went out that night and entertained a guest that was visiting for the weekend. With alcohol saturated livers, we made our way from bar to bar, becoming so incoherent that we were actually denied entrance to 3 places. I mean, come on! Are you serious???? Yeah, and sleep that night, hmmm, not much.

Next day, took a train out to New Haven, CT to work on an album, and ended up eating Wendy's, twice (notice the feather that came with the nugget), and pizza, and macaroni and cheese, and chocolate coffee cake...mmmm my healthiness astounds me. In addition to the balanced diet, I also consumed my fair share of cheap wine, and a little green plant, oh and the ubiquitous pack of cigarettes that comes along with being a musician, working in a dark studio for 8 straight hours.

Back to me discovering something, or coming to a realization...I am fucking crazy. If I don't chillax it with all the substance abuse, I am going to run myself ragged, but hey, your only 25 once, living in NYC, what's a little more partying going to hurt?

One day you'll understand...

2006-05-18T08:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Women of Manhattan
I didn't want to have to do it, but it has come to this...I can't handle it any longer, and you know that you were asking for it. I've told you before, but you did not listen, and maybe now if you see it the way I see it, you will change your mind. Okay, so here it is. Please, for the love of humanity, I beg you, stop wearing those damn skinny jeans. Look, I know they're trendy, and I know they're selling them at H&M, and Urban, but for fuck sake, it doesn't mean you have to buy them. Spend your money on a nice pair of Levi's that actually make you look proportionate. I am not saying that your fat, or anything like that, because heaven knows that I have my fair share of back. Hell, I would be scared if I had to view my ass in those pants. That's why I don't, and that's why you shouldn't either. It's just not right. Fuck, please stop, your killing me.

Bring on the scrabble

2006-05-15T12:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Jerkface,
I'm getting old and it blows. Over the past year I have come to a realization that I have to limit my partying ways if I want to remain a functioning member of society. Lately I have saved up all my party juice for the weekend, and gone balls out bananas on Friday night. Unfortunately, this has left me unable to move the following day, therefore impeding my desire to do a damn thing. Back in the good old days, of living in a sorority house and not getting more than 4 hours of sleep a night, I could go all weekend and then some. No more my friends. The past two Saturdays I have fallen asleep before 10 pm. I am fucking pathetic. I might as well put on the depends now, and call it a night after Wheel of Fortune is over. So sad.

Nice mom crotch

2006-05-09T12:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Jerkface
I am not one to tell people what to do. I mean you know my motto "I don't care, feels good," but I have to put my foot down when it comes to this issue. Why in the hell do people (mainly stupid girls) think that it looks good to wear those dumb ass skinny jeans. I mean, i know it's trendy and cool and all, but just because it's in style does not mean that any old shmuck should put them on them. I mean for hells sake, models don't even look good in these pants, let alone schlubby wannabe fashionistas from L.I.. Please, for the love of humanity and all that is sacred, stop it with those fucking skinny jeans. It makes you look like you have chicken wings for legs. In addition, it makes your butt look like a freaking mom butt, and who likes that, mom ass is not something to strive for.

I HEART MONDAY

2006-05-08T12:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Jerkface-
How was your weekend? Mine went entirely too fast. I had one of those moments last night where I questioned why on earth I do what I do and why on earth I do it out in this town far away from everybody that is dear to me. It's strange how that feeling can creep up on you. One second it's Sunday afternoon and you're just enjoying the quiet of the day, and the next thing you know your on a verge of a mental meltdown. What can I say? Sometimes I think it could be that missing spiritual aspect of my life, but sometimes I don't. I guess I just want to feel meaningful. At times it seems that all I am doing is making sure that I can pay rent each month. Although, it could be worse, at least I don't look like you.

On a more serious note...

2006-05-05T09:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Jerkface,
I usually refrain from writing about anything remotely serious or having to do with myself, but for some reason I guess I felt like breaking from my normal style.

The other night, I went out with a really cool person, who I had quite a bit in common with. We discussed reasons why we had ended up in New York and blah, blah, blah. We both came from a strong religious upbringing, and felt a need to escape it, hence the move to NYC. As I was walking home in the rain, I thought more and more about why I came out here, and why I have decided to stay here despite strong disapproval from friends and family. Although there are so many things about New York that can suck it as far as I'm am concerned, the one underlying thing that makes this place so great to me, is how you can be who you are, and do whatever the fuck you want, and the majority of people will not even bat an eye at you. It's liberating.

One Flew Over the...

2006-05-03T09:24:00.000-07:00

Hello Jerkface,
I miss you! I feel as though we haven't spoke in ages, even though we emailed a couple days ago. What is going on? How is the weather treatin you out there? Things have been relatively nice out here. In fact, I have been up to the park the past two nights for some cool ace rollerblading! Yeah, I know, I'm pretty dang smooth. Anyway, I thought that I would report to you about the interesting thing that I saw the other night. We decided that we would rollerblade around the park, and then from there go across 66th Street to Lincoln Center where crazy-go-nuts David Blaine is floating around in a fishbowl. Now, I am sure you have seen this advertised on TV, but it does not compare to the ridiculousness that is the human fish-bowl. It's this massive clear bowl propped up on a stage-like platform, with David Blaine just chillin out inside. So, yeah, this guy is certifiably loony-bins, but at the same time a freakin genius. I mean, who does that? It's actually really mesmerizing, and I couldn't take my eyes off. The way the bowl is situated, and the magnification of the glass, makes it look like he's about 10 foot plus. Anyway, I just wanted to say Holla, and David Blaine is still crazy.

No sleep for the living

2006-05-02T11:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Jerkface,

I have come up with a brilliant idea. You know how you were telling me about how tired you were, and that you were acting like a zombie at work? Well, I have been experiencing similar problems. For some reason, even though I have been getting a reasonable amount of sleep at night, i just cannot keep my eyes open during the day. I mean, looking at resumes all day is so glamorous an all, how could anybody get tired doing that? I'm sure it has nothing to do with my surroundings, seeing that I sit in a gorgeous tan cubicle all day. I just don't know what the hell is going on. Anyway, I came up with a couple of ideas, and wanted to run them by you. I used to have this friend when I was little who slept with her eyes open, back then, I thought it was extremely creepy, and hated having sleepovers with her, oh yeah, and she smelled strange too...but now that I think about it, what a handy skill to have. If I could just train myself to sleep with my eyes open, I wouldn't have to worry about someone seeing me nod off. Instead, I would just look as though I was staring at the computer screen in a daze, which is what I look like anyway. Genius, I know. Also, I found these really cool glasses, and they come in a male version too. I've been needing some glasses, so it's not as though it would be suspicious if I started wearing these.

Vote for me

2006-04-28T08:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Jerkface,

As this week has progressed, things have become clearer and clearer to me. I think I have finally figured out what is wrong with this country, besides the president. It's the five day work week. It's just too damn long. By the end of the week, I'm so worn out and tired, that I can hardly motivate myself to get excited for the weekend, so I have come up with a plan to change this. I will be running for office. I know I don't have much political experience, but I think that I have a really good platform. I propose we increase the weekend by one day, because two is just not cuttin' it. I mean, I don't really even think Sunday counts, because the whole day I am thinking about how I have to go back to work the next day. How can I rest when I have that weighing on my mind. Oh, yeah, and I think we should legalize marijuana too.

Single white female seeking man who will become successful right after we break up

2006-04-27T08:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Jerkface (and no, I don't mean you J.J.)
Last night as I was running around the reservoir at Central Park, I began to reminisce over the past romantic relationships that I have had in my life. Each one different and good in its own way, but all having one thing in common. It seems that the pattern is, I meet someone, they are somewhat a slacker with potential, as our relationship progresses, they get their shit together, by the time the relationship has run it's course they are on the verge of great things. End scene, we break up, afterward they become very successful, and I am no longer around to reap the benefits. WTF, I date them while they are poor and struggling, and as soon as we stop dating, and they finally have some stability and the means to treat a girl very nicely, i'm no longer their girl! I must like shitty, cheap guys. Successful ones just don't do it for me.

Wanted...some big guy, or something

2006-04-26T13:45:00.000-07:00

Dearest Jerkface,

I was speaking with my friend last night on the phone, and telling him how I had just finished a long, crazy day at work, and how all of this drama had been created by "some big guy, or something" who had resigned that day. Anyway, he told me that I should apply for the now vacant position. After thinking it over, I have decided that I am the perfect candidate. Tomorrow, I will go into Human Resources, and tell them why I am the person to fit the bill. Here is a small list of some of the bullet points that make me the perfect candidate for this job.

I am really good at accepting large sums of money
I can be a total ass if prompted, or even if I just feel like it
I don't have an aversion to expensive wool suits, and not only that, they look real good on me too
I need sun every day to help me feel good, so a corner office with lots of windows would suit me just fine
I am not afraid of heights, so I have no problem being in an office on the top floor of a high rise
I hate the subway, so taking a car to and from work wouldn't bother me
Did I mention that I wouldn't mind making ungodly amounts of money
Schmoozing over expensive meals and drinks is okay, I guess I really wouldn't mind, and I do it anyway, so if the company can foot the bill, even better.

I could go on and on, and seeing that my qualifications are rather extensive, I am sure that they will hire me. Get ready for the Hamptons, Jerkface, because every big guy has a house in the Hamptons, and I'm sure that i'll have to do that too.

To J.J.

2006-04-25T12:10:00.000-07:00

Yo Jerkface,
Check out what Carmine Gotti sent me. He's so cool.

WTF

2006-04-21T09:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Jerkface,
An observation; yesterday as i walked home from work, taking in the nice day, I noticed a disturbing trend, people wearing the lamest clothes. It seems that when it gets hot/warm in NY, people take that as the green light to pull out their fugliest outfit and parade it around town. The first thing that caught my eye was some nasty looking chick who very much resembled Olive Oyl wearing a see-through white shapeless dress with tiny red polka dots on it, and a huge elastic belt around her waste. Maybe it wasn't the outfit, so much as the hairstyle she was sporting...a freaking bowl cut. The next nasty getup I saw observed was a mom and daughter duo, wearing matching terry suits, cropped paints no less, both overweight, and looking ridiculous. Then I see this Italian stallion wearing capri pants (way too tight, you could see the whole package) and white pointy toe Guido shoes...I mean, you've got to be kidding me. What guy wears capri's? Please tell me you don't. Last but not least, the 200 lbs black woman wearing the see-through lace shirt, with nothing but a sparkly bra underneath, mmmm hot. WTF! is all I have to say.

In honor of tight pants week

2006-04-20T07:18:00.000-07:00

What is it with girls in New York and tight pants. I swear, i have never seen so many chicks try to squeeze themsleves into kid size jeans. It's not hot. Stop it.

Plugs, the new way to score a wife

2006-04-12T12:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Jerkface-
I was in my bosses office yesterday looking for a file. So I was rumaging around on his desk and I found a stack of papers that looked like what I was looking for, the reason they looked like the papers I was looking for was because there was a seal on one of the pages that looked like the bank seal of one of the banks we work with. I proceeded to stacked the papers in order and started looking at them. I noticed one page was a print out of an email conversation, I thought "what is this doing with my papers?" and I couldn't help but read through the email. It was forwarded to Matt (my boss) from his Mom. It was a corospondence between her and a hair replacement Doctor. Appearantly she is going to pay for Matt to get plugs. He is pretty thin on top. Since he is twenty-seven and not married I guess his mom thinks he has a better shot at it if he had hair. The rest of the pages in the stack were articles about the doctors creditentials. I feel pretty bad for Matt, how bad would it suck to have your Mom doing things like that for you? "Well if you weren't so bald girls would probably like you more..." Of course I'm sure your used to the idea "Jerkface, if you weren't such a whore maybe girls would take you a little more seriously."

Hippy Olympics Part 2

2006-04-07T10:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Jerkface,
I have been in brainstorming with my colleagues and over the past few days, and many hallucinations later, we have come up with some additional sports to add to our Hippy Olympics. One thing that all of us has participated in and greatly love is drum circles or if you will "peace circles." The criteria will be simple, each team will be alloted 4 minutes of freestyle time and the one that sounds the best wins, easy as that. Then we can unite all the drum circles as one and create a beautiful peace statement. What do you think?
Right after opening ceremonies, we'll initiatate the games with competitive bong making. We will give all the participants a bag of randomly selected items, and whoever comes up with the most effective bong wins! Of course we'll have to test them all, but that will just encourage the spirit that we're trying to bring to these games.
I would also like to add in some competitive devil sticking, no pun intended. Imagine the trickery that will emerge from all of our friends creative minds!
So we need to get going on all the preparation. There is a great need for a gathering of love and peace right now. In this time of hate and war, we all need to join together and love one another. So get back to me you asshole, there is a lot of fucking planning you need to do. I've already pictured the crowds in my hallucinations.

Hippies like sports too

2006-04-05T09:46:00.000-07:00

Hey Jerkface,
I seriously have no idea what your last email was about. Are you on crack? Plus, I haven't told anyone about my new business yet, so how did you even know about it?

Basically, my new business is the Hippie Olympics. It will include all the things Hippies do that require some skill and practice, but level a normal person scratching their head as to why anyone would do it.

Some of the "sports" in the inaugural Hippie Olympics are:
Slack Lining
In this sport stupid smelly hippies like this guy walk across a tight rope. The participant either has to be bare foot or wearing chaco sandals to compete. Since this is the Hippie Olympics there are no winners or losers, everyone shares in the fun!

Hacky Sack
This is one of the few "team sports" the Hippie Olympics has. The idea of team is foreign to the hippie, so some hippies were resistant to admitting hackey sack as a "sport" but they soon realized hippie ideals such as "sharing" and "can play in chacos" were central to hackey sack so they embraced their smelly brothers of the sack as true "Hippie Olympians"

Hackey Sack is a game were a team of hippies stands around in a circle and kicks a little bag (or sack) of beans back and forth to each other. They try and keep the hackey from hitting the ground. They also try and do "cool tricks" to kick the sack.

There are many more sports, these are just a few. If you play your cards right I will tell you about more of them latter.

Social Unawareness

2006-03-30T07:51:00.000-08:00

Dear Jerkface,
So you give me grief about not emailing you, and not sending you any photo's, and here it is days later, and I have not heard a peep from you. Well, whatever I guess. I will fill you in on the latest NYC tidbits. I have come to a few realizations about this place, it's funny, sometimes you think you have it all figured out, and then something will happen to make you question all the conclusions you have come to. Yes, New Yorkers are notoriously rude, and I must say there is truth in that, but what I have come to notice more and more while I reside here is that more than anything a lot of people here have no social awareness. Maybe it's that they are so consumed by the greatness of themselves that they don't realize that there are other people around them. For example, yesterday, on my lunch break I stopped in to my local Duane Reade to pick up a few items. There were four separate lines for four separate cashiers. I, being the nice Utah girl I am waited patiently for my turn, making sure not to get in anybody's way. Once I reached the register, I set my stuff on the small counter in front of me in anticipation of being rung up. All of the sudden, there is some short, middle aged women standing directly beside me, literally touching me with her body. Not only is she completely invading my personal space, she starts to set her freaking things down on the counter with my stuff! Naturally, the cashier assumes we must be together, because nobody would stand so close unless they knew you. In assuming this, she starts ringing up this idiots stuff with mine! I mean come on! What the what what? I told the cashier, "that's not mine." Her response " wha?" "That's not my stuff" Dumb lady to my left, "oh, yeah, that's mine." Okaaay. Who in the hell does that? Mind you, it is not like the automated check out lines at the grocery store, where things can more easily get mixed up. It's a tiny little counter space, where only one person at a time can fit. All I can say is, people out here need to learn that there is approximately one foot of space surrounding each person that must not be invaded, unless of course one asks for invasion.

What in the what what?

2006-03-23T07:04:00.000-08:00

Hola my good buddy,
I can't believe that you found that old picture of me, wow, those were certainly the days. I don't regret the nose job, eyebrow lift, lip enhancements, forehead replacement, liposuction, tummy tuck, breast augmentation, full body lift though. I mean, when I look at that picture I just realize that I wasn't at my full potential. I found this picture of you from that same year! My how we have both changed. Me for the better, you for the worse. Oh, geez oh, well, good times huh? So, I got myself on some medication for the little outbreak problem, and good news...I should be all clear when I come out to SLC in April. Make sure that your torture chamber is all set up for the movie. I only have a limited time to shoot, so we need to take advantage of every minute. That reminds me, I need to call your mom, and make sure she gets waxed before that weekend, I don't want any nasty hair distracting from the pleather outfit she'll be wearing. Alright, well, I'll keep you updated on any other props/tools that we may need. TTFN!

What is HOOCH?

2006-03-22T10:00:00.000-08:00

So my friend Tara and I consistently incorporate words into the English language that others might not understand. One word that we use often is "hooch". Although one may think that it is a shortened version of hoochie mama, well it is, but it's just so much more than that. You can insert it into any sentence. Think of it as sort of a catchall for anything or anybody that pisses you off. i.e. "That guide is such a hooch." Here are a few more definitions for fun...Oh one of my own bigtime definitions of a hooch, you are a hooch if your picture on my space looks like a porn add.

You are a hoochie if.... 1). You've ever crawled out of a club because a fight broke out. 2). You've ever started a fight with someone because you didn't like the way someone looked at you.3). You've ever messed up/trashed someone's outfit because it was identical to yours.4). You've ever started a fight with another woman because they looked at your man "The Wrong Way".5). You think of faux furs and leopard print clothing as "good clothes".6). You ever went to your baby-daddies job for money to buy milk or diapers. 7). You expect your man to pay you rent, and he doesn't live with you.8). You've ever said, "I loved-ed my man, even when he did his time upstate for me".9). You've ever said, "I love me some him".10).Your wedding gown was a short cock-tail dress that was "hooked up" but the seamstress. (Who just so happened to your mother)11).You bridesmaid gowns were bought from Weiners.12).So were their shoes.13).Your oldest daughter was the "miniature Bride" in the ceremony.14).You and your boyfriend were banned from your child's Jr. High dances because the two of you led everyone to believe you were auditioning for a production of "Dirty Dancing".15).You've ever gotten you hair and nails "did".16).You and your mother are pregnant at the same time. 17).Your grandmother is 42, your mother is 28, and you are 14 with a baby on the way. (You do the math)18).Your children are more than 6 years older than their aunts and uncles.19).You believe no woman's wardrobe is complete w/out lycra and spandex.20).Your fingernails are so long people often wonder how you wipe your @$$.21).You always declare, "Ain't no shame in my game".22).You bought matching outfits for you and your daughter. She wore hers to school and got sent home. You wore yours to work and was told to leave because your outfit was "inappropriate", and "distracting".23).Some how, you grew 12" of hair in 10 hours.24).Your hair is brown, your crochet braids are black and gold.25).You're a 14, all of dresses are size 9's.26).Your hair is so tall that you have a designated seat at the back of the movie theatre.27).You consider glue, glitter, and chop sticks as hair acessories.28).You aren't allowed to dance in the club because men slip you dollar bills.29).You think you are high class just because you've drank $30.00 Moet and Chandon.30.)Every babydaddy you have is in jail.31).You've ever thrown any of the following at your man: TV, VCR, Toasters, curling irons, irons, or any major appliance32).You'd rather have a big screen TV than a computer.33).Your name has more than one "Q" in the spelling.34).Your name is more than three syllables long.35).You name ends or begins with "La, Ta, Sha, Qa, Quo" 36).Any of the following songs can be your official theme songSock It To Me(Missy Elliot), Doo Wop (That Thing)(Lauryn Hill), One Night Stand(J-Shin), Hot Spot(Foxy Brown), You Know I'm A Hoe(Master P& Ice Cube)37).You wear flip-flops and mini skirts to the store.38).You've worn more than one hairstyle at a time (you know, finger waves on the front, crimps on the right, French roll, and spiral curls in the back)39).You carry your baby on your hip. 40).You've got a baby on each hip.

Dental Dam it!

2006-03-21T09:38:00.000-08:00

Hello Jerk Face,
What's going on? Once again, I am writing to say hi and to tell of the wonderful adventures that this city steadily provides me. As you know, this past Friday was St. Patrick's Day, and what better day for debauchery is there? A perfect excuse to go out and get crazy in every way, so of course I had to take advantage. The evening consisted of a birthday party held at club 40/40 (Jay Z's place) needless to say, I think we were possibly the only white people there. We decided to show off our awesome white chick dance moves, and boy-oh-boy we were so hot. Tara and I have plenty of booty to go around, so I think we fit in nicely. Actually, people were starring at us like we sucked pretty bad, but oh well, it was good times. As the evening progressed we met up with some L.I. Guido's and became a dancing Guido foursome...Tara and I are slowly adapting ourselves to the Guido lifestyle. We took them home, and finished off the night in mad Guido style. Then yesterday, I woke up with a raging sore throat. I called in sick, and paid a visit to my local healthcare provider... You'll never believe, I have herpes in my throat. Yes, herpes. That damn Guido infected me! Now I know that the only way to go is dental dam stylee. Well, I guess it's the price you pay for having fun.

Just kidding, I actually have some type of strep infection, but thought that I would make things more interesting. Did you have a good weekend?

This just in...New Yorkers are Gross!

2006-03-16T07:03:00.000-08:00

Well,well,well, ya New York freaks, I am going to reveal some of your deep dark secrets. You think no one is watching you because you're so used to being inconspicuous in this overpopulated place, but I have news for you...We are! Now, I am sure you think you can get away with anything here, and I guess you can, but I want to let you know, that I think you are so gross. Never in my life have I witnessed such blatant disregard for privacy. You see, when we (those who were not raised in this part of America) were young, our parents taught us about these things called manners. They are unwritten rules that one follows out of respect for those around them, but as I have come to clearly see, you guys just don't give a shit. I would like to use the example of the gym locker room. Now I know that it's public, and I know that we are all in there changing together...But for hell sakes, there are certain things that one must reserve for the privacy of his or her home. Like, please do not polish the crack of your ass with them gym towel in front of me, I just do not want to see that. I also don't want to watch you pluck your fucking chest hairs, yeah you, I'm talking about you, ya hairy nippled freak. Also, if you could refrain from popping your nasty zits until you get home, that would be nice. Last but not least, If you have a nasty fugly body, wrap a towel around yourself, because I really don't need to be subjected to your endless rolls and flabby boobs all up in my business. Didn't your mother teach you anything?

Holler!

2006-03-15T08:55:00.000-08:00

Dude,
What's crackin? For some reason it feels as though it's been ages since we spoke. What's going on back in SLC?Have you heard of that new show on HBO about Salt Lake Polygamists...prolly you have. I didn't see it this weekend, but am tempted to get HBO installed so I can watch that and the last season of Sopranos.
Same old, same old here in NYC. Just work and play. This last weekend was pretty fun. Tara and I ended up having a dance off with a couple of midgets. We won, of course. No one can hang with my amazing moves. I had to dig deep, and pull out some of my faves from the days of yore, ya know, the sprinkler, roger rabbit, running man etc. I think I'll go home and practice tonight, just in case another dance off comes up this weekend. Who knows, maybe a talent scout will spot us and want to put us on T.V. or something. Oh, we also managed to get ditched by a couple of Guido's. I don't think my ego has recovered yet. I cried myself to sleep last night. One minute we were hanging out with them, secretly plotting to ditch THEM, and the next minute...they were gone. We turned our naive backs for a second, see ya later beeyotchis. Needless to say, Tara and I were confused and shocked that the Guido's would ditch us, I mean, come on. This only led to the further deterioration of the evening, with us feeling insecure, it was any mans game. We ended up going home with a couple homeless guys. Didn't do much for my ego, but at least they had some crack to share.
Your best buddy,
Kris

Way hotter than any of you

2006-03-14T12:11:00.000-08:00

Tuesday is one of the best T.V. nights of the week. Oh yeah, MTV baby. First we start out with 'The Real World, Key West,' and can it get any more real than these people. I mean hell sakes, Paula is going to die of malnutrition right before our very eyes. We have John, who reminds me of every frat boy I've ever met. Then, there's Jose, the sweet guy that managed to make it out of the hood. Next we have Janelle, the bi-racial chick with the attitude. Don't forget Tyler, the gay guy, do I need to even mention that he's a flamboyant bitch. Last but not least, we have Svetlana, the Russian Mafia princess, who actually reminds me of a lot of the Long Island Jewish gals that I meet her in NYC. Oh wait, I forgot the forgettable Zach, hmm, boy next door, I suppose. What this season holds, no one knows. With these real and deep cast of characters, you never know. I can't wait to see how these people will grow and change right before my eyes. Man, you gotta freakin love reality television.
Oh, it only gets better...The next half hour holds the newest MTV gem '8th and Ocean.' Can you say HOTTIES. I mean, a whole half hour devoted to looking at people far better looking than myself, trying to make it the modeling world, and sometimes getting their asses kicked, by the man that runs they're agency. I think it's a man anyway. I can't really tell. Sweet nectar, is all I have to say. Check it out.

All they want to do is grab your crotch

2006-03-13T07:53:00.000-08:00

What the hell is up with guys in this city? I mean, seriously. Do they breed them to be total over sexed jerks, or what? I've now lived here for almost two years, and I still can't get used to the way that dudes act out here. I went out on Saturday night to The Dark Room, and was having a rockin time, you know, showing off my sweet dance moves, when some guy randomly grabs my crotch. We're talkin a full on squeeze. I wasn't even dancing with him and he comes up to me and grabs me. What the fuck? Who does that? Last time I checked, that kind of behavior was reserved for pervy next door neighbor types. Well, I ended up shoving the douchebag, and practically knocking him over. I think I might have tried to fight him if my friend didn't grab me and pull me away. Then to top off the night, while walking to the subway, some lame jerkass kept asking my friend and I if we wanted to have sex. Yeah, okay, lets go. Seriously, what the hell. I told him we were lesbians, and even that didn't dissuade him. He just asked if he could come home and watch. So finally I told him about these things called prostitutes, and explained that we were not. Another lovely night on the town!

Friggen Complaints

2006-03-10T12:38:00.000-08:00

I was walking up Lexington the other day with the usual thoughts going through my head, you know, like "hey dumb ass, could you walk a little slower" and "I'm so tired" and "I can't believe it's only Tuesday" and "I hate work" .... And then I realized what a freaking complainer I was being. I mean, yeah things suck a lot of the time, but not that bad. I have food, housing, a job, and a lot of things that I should be grateful for. When I took a little time to think about it (no, this is not me contemplating the situation and deciding to be more happy with what I do have) everybody I know is always complaining. It's what we do. It's how we make conversation. We tell people what sucks in our lives, we ruminate about it in our heads, I mean, I heard some beeyotch on the phone complaining about her stupid leg as I was thinking about all of this. Point is everybody is a fucking complainer. Including me.

Does every one want to be famous?

2006-03-08T07:44:00.001-08:00

Since I can remember, I've always had a fascination with celebrities. I can remember sitting on my parents water bed, flipping through my mom's magazines, and wanting to know who these glamorous looking people were. When I was in third grade, I even went as far as lopping off all of my hair in hopes of looking more like one of these fantastic stars that I saw on the television. Unfortunately, that only got me a bunch of 3rd grade boys mocking me, saying that I looked like a boy. But really, what is it? What is it about these people that lure us in and make us want to by the four dollar magazine that holds the truth about 'what really happened'. And do all of us want to be them? I have just discovered blogging, and think it's a wonderful thing, but am curious to know why a lot of people do it? Is it that they hope that someone will pay attention to them, and what they have to say. Sometimes, I read other peoples blogs, and can't help myself from wondering what is this persons intention. Do they hope to become famous from writing this online journal. I mean there are people that have done it, so why not? Anyway, I guess what I am really asking is, why do people write blogs?

Does every one want to be famous?

2006-03-08T07:44:00.000-08:00

Ahhhh how cute...

2006-02-28T06:14:00.000-08:00

Travis did it! He selected Sarah, she's the one. How sweet. I must say, it was one of my least favorite seasons of The Bachelor. So anticlimactic. Plus, he gave her a ring on a necklace, how cheeseball.

Keep smiling you bastard

2006-02-24T07:17:00.000-08:00

I hate the freaking subway. Yes, it is a great thing to have a mass transit system that actually works, and yes, it was the biggest pain in the ass when those bastards went on strike, but come on! Seriously, I have this feeling that when one of the train drivers in a bad mood they just do whatever the freak they want. Almost every morning without fail, I get squished in the doors because the driver doesn't even give enough time to let the exiting passengers get off! I am also sick of waiting for delayed trains, and then having to push and shove to get on and then stand there with 20 different peoples butt rubbing up on me. Give me a freaking break.

What's up with the smirk?

2006-02-23T07:50:00.000-08:00

Last night as I was flipping through one of my most important news sources, US Weekly, I couldn't help but notice a picture of the glamorous and successful Olsen twins. The thing is, they're in those magaz's all the time. I'm sure they have the paparzzi following them around like a pilot fish, which has to be annoying as hell, but what the fuh, they never smile!!!Lately they always have this lame ass smirk on their faces. I can't understand it. Because I'm sure that they have perfectly veneered teeth, and I remember seeing them smile in earlier days. Can someone explain this to me?

Roomates!

2006-02-22T08:05:00.000-08:00

This night was so funny...we decided to go out on the town, and instead ended up at the McDonalds next to our apartment. My pupils are so big in this picture...it freaks me out.

Fishing

2006-02-21T07:46:00.000-08:00

The subway is fun

2006-02-21T07:42:00.000-08:00

2006-02-21T07:33:00.000-08:00

Me at Brother Jimmys, good times!

Halloweener

2006-02-21T07:13:00.000-08:00

2006-02-17T07:41:00.000-08:00

Just testing out how this whole thing works...testing, testing 1, 2, 3.

So Random

2006-02-17T07:14:00.000-08:00

Last night I was walking home from the gym, just chattin on my phone, when I saw this kid stumbling all over the place. He looked as though he was about to do a face plant right on Park Ave. I thought it was pretty funny until he started walking out into the middle of the street. I really didn't feel like watching someone get hit by a car, so I got off my phone and ran after him. My intentions were to just call him a cab, and hopefully help him make it home. When I caught up to him, it became even more apparent just how wasted he was. He really didn't know where he was or what the hell was going on. After speaking with him for a couple of minutes (trying to converse, anyway) I found out that he actually works at the same freakin company that I do. It's a huge corporation, so it's only natural that I would have never seen him. About 10 minutes of coercing later, I managed to walk him back to the building that we work at. Supposedly, a company car was supposed to be there waiting for him, and it had never showed up. Seeing as he lives in Northern New Jersey, I couldn't exactly just hail a cab, and hope that he would be able to pay for the ride. Unfortunately, I don't exactly have the status to just call a company car and expense it. I really didn't know what to do. Finally, I saw a coworker of mine leaving the building and he was nice enough to lend me his co. trans card. Yay! I had a way to get this sloshy dude home! Blah bla bla, got him in a car about 2 hours after originally spotting him. Now I just hope he remembered his address to advise the driver!

Baby Dayliner

2006-02-17T07:12:00.000-08:00

Baby Dayliner